(based on the actual letter from Homeland Security to ranchers on the Rio Grande portion of the Texas/Mexico border)
Dear Texas Homeland Security Partner,
I know that you love the good ole’ USA, and you want to support your president and favorite son in protectin‘ our borders. Seein‘ as how your land abuts right there at the Rio Grande, I’m remindin‘ you, in case I forgot to tell you, that, well, we gotta fence off the river. Wall it off, really. Keeps them illegal, law breakin‘ alien varmints out.
Rememberin‘ you most fondly,
I miss you somethin‘ fierce. Your letter, though, kinda rattled me. I thought we had an understanding. How can this relationship be successful if you won’t give me the space to be the rancher that I am and let me water my cattle once in a while? I love you. You know I do. But we talked about this. We talked about our future together, where drones and sensors and radars in balloons would protect what we have forever. We held hands and you made promises. If I can’t trust you, where does that leave us?
Your dearest partner,
My dear T.R.,
I am touched by your devotion, and I know I sometimes take it – and you – for granted. I am looking forward to the romantic border future of which you spoke, but I know what’s best for both of us. After all, what’s more important to our future than a safe, secure, impenetrable home? Surely not a few measly head of cattle. Surely not some flea bag beasties that just drink and keep migratin‘. I’m looking out for our survival, not theirs. Don’t you trust me? They don’t love you like I do.
Can’t wait til we are together again. Meanwhile, here’s a little somethin‘ to show you just how much I care.
Please think about what you are askin‘ me! I’m a Texan, and I have a hard time submittin‘ to anyone, and no, I don’t trust you! But I can’t quit you neither. My ranch is your ranch; my border is your border. I know you’ll do right by me. Thanks for the generosity of your little, er, gift. But say, won’t the rest of the country be pissed that they’re not gettin‘ what I’m gettin‘?
I love you more,
I knew you’d see what was best for all of us. As for the others, they don’t control me. Fact is, they don’t control much (heh heh). Guess that won’t keep ’em from wantin‘ to try to take back my recent gift to you. They are nasty that way, never wantin‘ you to have what you so rightly deserve. We won’t let ’em come between us though. Will we? Seriously, I’m askin‘ you. I mean, we won’t. I mean I won’t if you won’t.
Your Texas Homeland Security Partner
You are mine forever, as long as you keep me happy. A cowboy could get used to this. You don’t think this makes me a sissy, do ya?
Your only a sissy if I say so, and I won’t call you a sissy, unless… well, you’re my good bitch- I mean feller, and I and gonna let anything happen to you or your sweet backside. (Wait. did I say that? Whoa. Don’t hit send. Don’t hit sen— shit!)